More refreshing
No longer
Throw good money
"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither." C.S. Lewis
Untangling
Muscles knotted
Thoughts snarled
A defensive tightness
Down to my bone
Taut like a spring
Wound too tightly
Readiness, wary…
And then the cord broke!
The clenching released
Slack
A slow loosening
And I
Working through the twists
The turns
Of the mess left
In its wake
Am freed
I wrote this back in September as I was contemplating ending a long term relationship with an avoidant. I had been evolving and growing into healthy boundaries for quite sometime. Interesting, but expected, when I grew distant he pulled me towards him. Thing is, I had grown too much.
You don’t want what I want
And maybe that’s alright
We walk a while together
And fade off into the night
maybe a light will shine out
A friendly door will open wide
I don’t hate you for
Not wanting to
But I need to step inside
You want to live the lonely
Baby, that’s your choice
But I’m not one for silence
I need to hear another voice
Maybe someone will call out
My name on his lips
I don’t hate you for
Not speaking it
But when it calls, I am his
I see a porch with rockers
A sunset, a sunrise
I see a hope for love
That’s spoken out in pride
I see a place where my heart
Feels right at home
You don’t want that
And I’m sorry
This journey is my own
Seven years now, that’s a long time
To never settle down
I feel like I’ve been lost
Making circles on the ground
The years they have been flying
But joy can still be found
I love you and I’m sorry
I’m turning back towards town
By and by we’ve walked along
Somewhere I lost my map
Let you chose the way
And you led me
Going nowhere, so fast
This road is long and empty
You rarely hold my hand
It looks so bleak and changeless
And now I understand —that
Somewhere I laid my dreams down
Somewhere I lost me, too
Left behind in the distance
So I’m turning myself around
I’m turning myself around
I’m turning myself around
So long, so long, so long
You can go your own way
Honey, I’ll go mine
Thank you for your time, love
Good bye now, good bye
Heard the honking
Saw the familiar V
A flock of geese
Flying overhead it
Transported me
A child laying in bed
Early moments of a grey dawn
Hearing the geese
Calling to each other
The comfort, the wonder
Where were they going?
Watching them, their
Familiar formation
Easy switch offs
Later my mother explaining
Me, the child absorbing
Year after year, experiencing
The same moment
Finding peace in regularity
Recognizing
With a warm joy
Filling my heart
Kinship with the younger me
How many flights
How many moments of wonder?
Murmurations of starlings
Awestruck my eyes locked to
Serpentine dances across the sky
Beauty and community
Capturing my thoughts
The privilege of being part
Of the audience
For such grand displays
Flash forward, laying in my bed
On a Florida twilight
The smell of jasmine
The call of whippoorwills
Contentment enveloping me
Babies sleeping in their beds
Husband warm beside me
The world and its rhythms
Again, linking souls with mine
Time skips to
Ohio predawn spring
Nesting birdsongs
I listen from my quiet house
So satisfied to be a part of this world
And in the now
Which shall become my past
Exultation as the starlings landed in my trees!
A thousand included me in the midst of their conversation!
Though time flies like the birds
The husband has passed and the children grown
The memories of the moments live
The birds still call to each other
And I still connect
With them and
To all of the ages of me
Who have thrilled
In this rapport
We still do
We will