"Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!" I just wanted to cling to as much of my old life as possible. To come home to my lonely house (and wish it wasn't so lonely), do the things I always did, and somehow to add the things I want into it. It would be perfectly okay for me to work at the job I began after Pat's death - I loved my job even though I couldn't afford to live on the salary. Somehow, if life could go on that way, I would be worried about survival and yet strangely content.
And then, my Tookish spirit awoke. God moved and doors opened, connections were made, bringing with them a job in my field, in my home stomping grounds, near the man I love and my daughter/family. My Tookish spirit cried, "Walk through those doors!" and as I crossed each threshold more and more of a new life was revealed to me.
No matter how promising it looks, it is hard for a hobbit at heart to come from the comfort of the home hearth and step out into the unknown. I had to slowly ease out of my comfort zone by doing things like driving 336 miles alone and back. That was something that had frightened me stopping at rest areas alone, oh my!) and now I've done it several times. I also have been having to come to terms with the thought of leaving 3 of my daughters and 7 of my grandchildren behind. I plan on coming back on monthly visits and on all school breaks. (My head tells me that during the school year I've been so busy working two jobs that I didn't see them as often anyhow - my heart says, "Shut up!") Whatever the case, maybe the apron strings need to be cut and this will be healthier for us all. I can't live a shadow existence, working and waiting to be needed to babysit or needed for something.
So here I am - on the cusp of an adventure. There is no turning back. Once I set my face to the east, I'm committed for the whole school year. There is fear -- and there is excitement. There is hope and yes, some anxiety. Will this be good for me? What kind of changes might this make within me? Who will I be when all is said and done?
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