It is Christmas Day and it is the first Christmas since Pat passed away that I was not sad when I woke up. When my eyes opened this morning, my heart awoke with gratitude and joy. Home was occupied by just me, my two dogs, and my cat - yet I did not feel lonely at all. My spirit was not weighed down with a melancholy aching for Christmases past. The specters of fear and worry were nowhere in sight. Just a pure joy for the day and the Lord who made it.
The past few weeks have been hectic with this fortnight being particularly exhausting. It would be the first Dec 24th that I had to work. There was very little time between work and church - then I needed to get to the family gathering. The week before it even happened, I was worn out just thinking about it. But then, I watched A Muppet Christmas Carol with my students. I've seen this many, many times. I've seen many versions of A Christmas Carol more times than I could count. Yet once again, even this more playful version spoke to me.
In Dickens' book, Marley’s ghost says to Scrooge ‘’No space of regret can make amends for one life’s opportunity misused.’’ I began to look at working on the 24th as an opportunity. Not only did I get a lot done, but I played cornhole with the kids, enjoyed time with my fellow teachers, and had a great day.
On Sunday, my tearful prayer and the Lord's nudge to change my focus was rewarded with the beauty of His Light. He is the Light of the world - and as Michael Card sang, how can there be in darkness in me if He is that Light? He abides in me and I in Him. Let that Light shine! When I taught my yoga class on Monday night, my theme was joy - and indeed, the joy of the Lord is my strength.
I also realized that grief had me dwelling to much in the past on special days. I was burdened by old, beloved traditions that were not, could not be the same. It was like the weight of a heavy stone dragging my heart down. But in a Christmas Carol, Scrooge learns and says, “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.’’ The past is only part of the equation of my life; it is to be looked at and learned from. It is not a place to wallow.
When I awoke this morning, it wasn't about me waking up alone; it wasn't about emptiness or the bustle of preparations... it was about the Good News. Jesus Christ came that we might have life and have it more abundantly! John 1:4, "In Him was life, and that Light was the life of men." --And that waking up alone nonsense, I never felt less alone. Thus, I moved on through a day of laughter and love. Merry Christmas - regarding the born-again Scrooge - “And it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!’’
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
Friday, December 6, 2019
Facing anti-intellectualism? Don't apologize for being smart!
“By this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools. And since what they are trying to believe may, in some cases, be manifest nonsense, they cannot succeed in believing it and we have the chance of keeping their minds endlessly revolving on themselves in an effort to achieve the the impossible.” C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
I'm done apologizing for being smart. Why is it that if you are intelligent you constantly feel you have to dumb yourself down to be accepted by peers? Why is it that people are offended just because you know things? And why does knowing things get dismissed so readily with the insult that you are a know-it-all?
There is no crime in knowing many things. There is no need to pretend that you don't know many things. Chances are that if you know many things it happens that you are also very aware of the many things you do not know. Quite possibly you will seek to know some of those things, too, because you are born with a deep-seated curiosity. There is a universe of things to know and there is zero fault in acquiring what you can.
There is also nothing wrong with sharing what you know, this, in spite, of the fact that there will be people who are intimidated by your brain power. If you have answers or input that conflicts with what they believe to be, you can expect to be considered arrogant - no matter how innocently you deliver your knowledge. SO BE IT.
I read a thread on Quora where a parent asked, "My 8 year old son has a 150 IQ, what should I do?" Someone answered to this effect, "Either coach him to dumb himself down so that he can be socially accepted OR allow him to think, dream, dare to use his gifts." The first option is indeed a sad truth that many gifted folk feel is their best option in order to function within society. Guess why? Because if you act smart, talk smart, daresay admit you are smart, you are perceived as a conceited braggart without ever even bragging. Just by being. Yes, just by being.
I remember being a teenager and being mortally embarrassed by the fact that I was in MENSA. I felt fearful that I would be made fun of, that it was a symptom of abnormality, or even something to be looked upon with as much disgust as if being accused of being a Nazi. We live in a sick world when something such as being born intellectually gifted isn't treated like a gift - while being gifted athletically is coveted. It took a long time to get away from those fears - many years in fact.
In the past year I've met some brilliant teens who felt misunderstood and had all those same fears thanks to a society that dislikes smart people. Whenever I meet a student like this, I do my best to encourage the thinking, the dreaming, the daring to use and appreciate the gift of brain power. I can't tell them that the stigma of high intelligence will go away, but I can tell them that just as "lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep," they should not lose sleep over the insults or aversions of those who are intimidated by their gifts and seek to shame them for "knowing many things."
As for me, I'm 56 years old and I'm done being concerned with how my gift is perceived. God gave it to me and hopefully, I use it to glorify him. My daughters are highly intelligent. I see it in my grandchildren. My prayer is that they never, ever feel ashamed because of their hunger for knowledge and their ability to use it. As C.S. Lewis said, it is NOT humility to disavow the brains God gave you. SHINE.
Sunday, June 9, 2019
When all blessings flow...
Praising God from Whom all blessings flow! It has been a long, rough 2 years and 11 months since Pat passed away. I've had lots of experiences that have not always seemed like blessings but, surprise! They were. Life is an intricate tapestry - you may not like mustard yellow thread, but once you stand back and see the beauty of the pattern, you realize that without the mustard yellow, it wouldn't be complete. I have to say that I don't know what else might be part of the design BUT right now I'm feeling the "WHEW!" and "WOW!" happy side of blessing. I have a GOOD job with a pay that will meet all of my needs and (can I say, FINALLY!) I have insurance again!
The job I've been chosen for is going to be challenging, but I'm trusting that the Lord will equip me. My co-workers are amazing - the vibe you get there is one of caring, one of empathy, one of team work and collaboration. Security and safety are the top priorities and with these prevailing you can strive to do your best.
The job I've been chosen for is going to be challenging, but I'm trusting that the Lord will equip me. My co-workers are amazing - the vibe you get there is one of caring, one of empathy, one of team work and collaboration. Security and safety are the top priorities and with these prevailing you can strive to do your best.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
The hydra in me
"Fire feeds on obstacles," said Marcus Aurelius. Ovid renarked, "Difficulty is what wakes up the genius." Chew on those a moment. The last few years I've felt like I've been climbing up a steep, rugged mountain, skinning my knees, stubbing my toes, and getting plenty of dirt under my fingernails and up my nose. I can't say I was ever tempted to turn back - I think I knew that it wouldn't be a leisurely walk down, that it would be a slip-sliding, free-for-all with me winding up broken instead of simply battered. For me, trite as it sounds, there is only one way. Up. During this excursion, I've found myself wearily pulling up on a ledge, thinking I reached a milestone and could catch a break only to look up and see the end still far further than I had hoped OR even worse, got hit by an errant falling rock while catching my breath and nearly loosing the foothold. Still, there is no turning back and one certainly can't just "sit" and make half-way there some settled-for goal because there is a reason in every climb, even if it is just for the incredible view. There is something in knowing the success of effort, of clawing and scratching, the thick of a battle that makes victory much more rewarding.
Sometimes the climb and the struggle aren't to achieve a goal, but to stay on the right track in a world gone very wrong. 1 Corinthians 4:7-10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." In that battle, it is awesomely satisfying to know that He is our fortress, He is our very present help in trouble.
In Greek mythology, Hercules is tasked to go and kill the Hydra. If you cut off the hydra's head, two grow back in its place. It is pretty much indomitable. Even after Hercules manages to find a way to "kill" it, it lives on when Hera places the Hydra in the sky, forever as a constellation. One existence ended and a new, better one endures. Instead of being a hated monster, hunted down, it lights the sky and provides beauty in that starry canopy. We are never given any insight into the character of the Hydra. It seems to me that its existence just annoyed other people and it used the defenses that it had to preserve its life. I love that it was equipped with the ability to keep coming back and that what was meant to hurt it made it more able to defend itself. I know some would balk at using Greek mythology in describing a faith-based concept, but the trials that are put in our paths generally strength us and give us more tools to equip us for later battles. I like that the Lord God put a bit of Hydra in me.
Sometimes the climb and the struggle aren't to achieve a goal, but to stay on the right track in a world gone very wrong. 1 Corinthians 4:7-10 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." In that battle, it is awesomely satisfying to know that He is our fortress, He is our very present help in trouble.
In Greek mythology, Hercules is tasked to go and kill the Hydra. If you cut off the hydra's head, two grow back in its place. It is pretty much indomitable. Even after Hercules manages to find a way to "kill" it, it lives on when Hera places the Hydra in the sky, forever as a constellation. One existence ended and a new, better one endures. Instead of being a hated monster, hunted down, it lights the sky and provides beauty in that starry canopy. We are never given any insight into the character of the Hydra. It seems to me that its existence just annoyed other people and it used the defenses that it had to preserve its life. I love that it was equipped with the ability to keep coming back and that what was meant to hurt it made it more able to defend itself. I know some would balk at using Greek mythology in describing a faith-based concept, but the trials that are put in our paths generally strength us and give us more tools to equip us for later battles. I like that the Lord God put a bit of Hydra in me.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
You can't always get what you want...
Three days. Three conversations with three different people. Three topics that seem different but somehow are all united, woven together by God.
On Sunday Eddy changed my oil and put on new wiper blades for me We were talking about my pursuit of an ELA position for next school year (with me mourning the 2 1/2 years I wasted in a grief fog), the struggles I've had, etc, and the seeming endlessness of my quest for independent financial stability since Pat passed away. The upshot was that it has been clear all along that yes, yes, indeed, God *does* have a plan for my life and that I need to "stop kicking against the goads." An ox goad was a long stick with a pointed piece on the end which, in the hands of a loving master, would steer the animal on the right path. If the animal rebelled by kicking out again the goad, it embedded into its flesh. The more rebellious kicking, the deeper the goad went. Looking for short cuts, trying to get off the path God has planned and find an easier way, or just stubbornly trying to not go down that road... it doesn't work and just causes pain. How much better it is to plow where the Master has set you.
The next conversation involved talking with my daughter, Erin, about relationships. I've jokingly had a "list" of what I believed I need; I was reminded of back when Pat and I were raising our little ones. If they got whiny about something we wouldn't let them have or do, we would both start singing, "You can't always get what you want, No, you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need." (This usually brought about a bit more wailing). Anyhow, in talking with my daughter I told her that I have to not expect my strengths to be shared but to learn to appreciate whatever those strengths were. Instead of being frustrated by not having the same love language, at least on my part, I can try to understand and accept the different language being communicated to me. (God already allowed me to see how someone could speak my language too well and be manipulative and deceitful). She reminded me that the Bible said to lean not on our OWN understanding, but in all of our ways to acknowledge Him, and how important it is to know what God knows as fact about us. How much we are loved; how worthy we are to Him. Maybe the list of things I thought I "needed" were really only "wants" and what I actually need is very different. Time to stop leaning on my own understanding.
The final conversation was with a recently widowed friend. We were discussing our shared condition and she told me that she saw me as so strong and inspiring. Looking at myself, I don't see that - I see an awful lot of flailing mixed with a great deal of treading water. I told her about one thing I've been learning over the course of the past three years is to let go of my attempt to work things out my way and "to just be held." You have to envision this: many times I'm like a two-year who wants to do my own thing. I see what I think I need or want and I pursue it. The Lord says, "No," and scoops me up. There I am, the wild toddler, kicking, screaming and writhing in the parent's arms as I get carted off to where I need to be. It would be all so much easier if I relinquished my pretense at control. I can imagine God smiling at me and singing, "You can't always get what you want..." as He's saving me from the fire, flood, or whatever imminent danger that I'm blinded or otherwise oblivious to. Whenever Casting Crowns' "Just Be Held" comes on the radio, it brings a tear to my eyes. Okay, oxymoron time but THIS is what I'm striving for: Striving to be still. Working toward releasing my death grip on my Daddy's arm and chilling in the knowledge of His strength, His love, and His purpose for me.
"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held"
On Sunday Eddy changed my oil and put on new wiper blades for me We were talking about my pursuit of an ELA position for next school year (with me mourning the 2 1/2 years I wasted in a grief fog), the struggles I've had, etc, and the seeming endlessness of my quest for independent financial stability since Pat passed away. The upshot was that it has been clear all along that yes, yes, indeed, God *does* have a plan for my life and that I need to "stop kicking against the goads." An ox goad was a long stick with a pointed piece on the end which, in the hands of a loving master, would steer the animal on the right path. If the animal rebelled by kicking out again the goad, it embedded into its flesh. The more rebellious kicking, the deeper the goad went. Looking for short cuts, trying to get off the path God has planned and find an easier way, or just stubbornly trying to not go down that road... it doesn't work and just causes pain. How much better it is to plow where the Master has set you.
The next conversation involved talking with my daughter, Erin, about relationships. I've jokingly had a "list" of what I believed I need; I was reminded of back when Pat and I were raising our little ones. If they got whiny about something we wouldn't let them have or do, we would both start singing, "You can't always get what you want, No, you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need." (This usually brought about a bit more wailing). Anyhow, in talking with my daughter I told her that I have to not expect my strengths to be shared but to learn to appreciate whatever those strengths were. Instead of being frustrated by not having the same love language, at least on my part, I can try to understand and accept the different language being communicated to me. (God already allowed me to see how someone could speak my language too well and be manipulative and deceitful). She reminded me that the Bible said to lean not on our OWN understanding, but in all of our ways to acknowledge Him, and how important it is to know what God knows as fact about us. How much we are loved; how worthy we are to Him. Maybe the list of things I thought I "needed" were really only "wants" and what I actually need is very different. Time to stop leaning on my own understanding.
The final conversation was with a recently widowed friend. We were discussing our shared condition and she told me that she saw me as so strong and inspiring. Looking at myself, I don't see that - I see an awful lot of flailing mixed with a great deal of treading water. I told her about one thing I've been learning over the course of the past three years is to let go of my attempt to work things out my way and "to just be held." You have to envision this: many times I'm like a two-year who wants to do my own thing. I see what I think I need or want and I pursue it. The Lord says, "No," and scoops me up. There I am, the wild toddler, kicking, screaming and writhing in the parent's arms as I get carted off to where I need to be. It would be all so much easier if I relinquished my pretense at control. I can imagine God smiling at me and singing, "You can't always get what you want..." as He's saving me from the fire, flood, or whatever imminent danger that I'm blinded or otherwise oblivious to. Whenever Casting Crowns' "Just Be Held" comes on the radio, it brings a tear to my eyes. Okay, oxymoron time but THIS is what I'm striving for: Striving to be still. Working toward releasing my death grip on my Daddy's arm and chilling in the knowledge of His strength, His love, and His purpose for me.
"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held"
Ruby red slippers
While one may feel that grief is like falling down a rabbit hole, losing a spouse to me is more like being sucked up into a vortex and set down in some unknown land. All you want to do is get back to where you belong - and of course, to find that out, an adventure of discovery ensues. Two and a half years after Pat died, I just discovered that I was wearing ruby red slippers and had the power all along to get myself to where I needed to go.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Blessed to be in the family of God
Many of us have sung this old hymn, "I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God,
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His blood! Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family, The Family of God." It's been my earworm today - and a good one to have. (Better than "Pumped Up Kicks" which kept recirculating in my brain for weeks and weeks). Wrapping up 2018 and heading into 2019, like many others, I found myself with a retrospective eye.
2016 I tend to think of as The Year of Catastrophe. Pat passed in July and my world was officially topsy-turvy. The whole family was dealing with grief in various ways and two new little ones that would never see their Poppy on this earth were born in the midst. Whilst trying to find my footing, I had an adult severely bullying me. However, in the midst of it, I had my church family and I worked at a *fantastic* school with tremendous leadership, so every day I could wake up and have a sense of purpose. 2017 was a Year of Change/Risk. Financially, I needed to find stability - so I took a risk, took a leap of faith. Some risks pan out; some don't. There was much good in that year, but I painfully discovered that all that glitters is not gold. I want to call 2018 the Year of False Promise - a nod to my blind optimism that led to the Year of Change/Risk - but I also think of it as the Year God Bails Me Out Again and Again or the Year of Treading Water. However, I guess the most appropriate term would be The Year God Shows Me Again and Again That In Spite of Myself, He Loves Me and Has My Back (and blessed me with an accidental pumpkin patch). Consistent in these three years of feeling shaken like a snow globe, has been the God who contains me -- and the loving friends and church family He has blessed me with. The prayers, the support, the guidance, the opportunities to BE and do - Psalm 68:6a states, "God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." I can testify to this truth.
Yesterday, I was blessed with the opportunity to go with a dear friend to her ultrasound and see the magic of LIFE. Seeing that little baby was beautiful, simply beautiful. Our God is a life-giver! (We're getting another one in our family this year, too). After I left, I wanted to do something to make the gender reveal more fun for the couple than opening an envelope (I knew the gender, she didn't), so I went to Marc's for ideas. While I was there, a lovely woman I know spotted me and rushed over to hug me; she reminded me of our sisterhood as widows with the tenderness that only another widow who comprehends the frailty of this state can. This was one of those women of faith that I always looked up to; her godly behavior and attitude was an inspiration. Facing widowhood after a long loving marriage, she handled the death of her spouse with such grace and dignity. Here we were in the store and she was glowing with exciting news to share - before Thanksgiving she had gotten remarried. It had been five years since her husband had passed and the Lord had put a godly man in her life. It was evident that he was proud to call her his - I love to see that. That joy, that radiance - again, our God is a life-giver! She and her spouse also gave me some wise advice should marriage be in my future: "Be sure to marry a man that is more spiritual than you." Later that night, I was able to discuss the wisdom of this with yet another member of my spiritual family, sharing concerns and getting/giving feedback.
I have no idea what sort of year 2019 will be. I hope it will be the Year of Feeting Firmly Grounded, Job Security and Stability. Regardless of what I'm thinking/feeling as I sum it up at the end of this year, I know that my God will always be with me and I'm traveling this sod with joint-heirs. Fellow pilgrims and aliens. "When one has a heartache, we all share the tears, And rejoice in each victory in this family so dear."
2019 may be looking at me with a gaping maw or a gentle smile, I do not know. What I *do* know is, He is with me always ... and I'm a part of His family; therefore, I'm not traveling through it alone.
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His blood! Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family, The Family of God." It's been my earworm today - and a good one to have. (Better than "Pumped Up Kicks" which kept recirculating in my brain for weeks and weeks). Wrapping up 2018 and heading into 2019, like many others, I found myself with a retrospective eye.
2016 I tend to think of as The Year of Catastrophe. Pat passed in July and my world was officially topsy-turvy. The whole family was dealing with grief in various ways and two new little ones that would never see their Poppy on this earth were born in the midst. Whilst trying to find my footing, I had an adult severely bullying me. However, in the midst of it, I had my church family and I worked at a *fantastic* school with tremendous leadership, so every day I could wake up and have a sense of purpose. 2017 was a Year of Change/Risk. Financially, I needed to find stability - so I took a risk, took a leap of faith. Some risks pan out; some don't. There was much good in that year, but I painfully discovered that all that glitters is not gold. I want to call 2018 the Year of False Promise - a nod to my blind optimism that led to the Year of Change/Risk - but I also think of it as the Year God Bails Me Out Again and Again or the Year of Treading Water. However, I guess the most appropriate term would be The Year God Shows Me Again and Again That In Spite of Myself, He Loves Me and Has My Back (and blessed me with an accidental pumpkin patch). Consistent in these three years of feeling shaken like a snow globe, has been the God who contains me -- and the loving friends and church family He has blessed me with. The prayers, the support, the guidance, the opportunities to BE and do - Psalm 68:6a states, "God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." I can testify to this truth.
Yesterday, I was blessed with the opportunity to go with a dear friend to her ultrasound and see the magic of LIFE. Seeing that little baby was beautiful, simply beautiful. Our God is a life-giver! (We're getting another one in our family this year, too). After I left, I wanted to do something to make the gender reveal more fun for the couple than opening an envelope (I knew the gender, she didn't), so I went to Marc's for ideas. While I was there, a lovely woman I know spotted me and rushed over to hug me; she reminded me of our sisterhood as widows with the tenderness that only another widow who comprehends the frailty of this state can. This was one of those women of faith that I always looked up to; her godly behavior and attitude was an inspiration. Facing widowhood after a long loving marriage, she handled the death of her spouse with such grace and dignity. Here we were in the store and she was glowing with exciting news to share - before Thanksgiving she had gotten remarried. It had been five years since her husband had passed and the Lord had put a godly man in her life. It was evident that he was proud to call her his - I love to see that. That joy, that radiance - again, our God is a life-giver! She and her spouse also gave me some wise advice should marriage be in my future: "Be sure to marry a man that is more spiritual than you." Later that night, I was able to discuss the wisdom of this with yet another member of my spiritual family, sharing concerns and getting/giving feedback.
I have no idea what sort of year 2019 will be. I hope it will be the Year of Feeting Firmly Grounded, Job Security and Stability. Regardless of what I'm thinking/feeling as I sum it up at the end of this year, I know that my God will always be with me and I'm traveling this sod with joint-heirs. Fellow pilgrims and aliens. "When one has a heartache, we all share the tears, And rejoice in each victory in this family so dear."
2019 may be looking at me with a gaping maw or a gentle smile, I do not know. What I *do* know is, He is with me always ... and I'm a part of His family; therefore, I'm not traveling through it alone.
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