You can't always get what you want...

Three days. Three conversations with three different people. Three topics that seem different but somehow are all united, woven together by God. 

On Sunday Eddy changed my oil and put on new wiper blades for me We were talking about my pursuit of an ELA position for next school year (with me mourning the 2 1/2 years I wasted in a grief fog), the struggles I've had, etc, and the seeming endlessness of my quest for independent financial stability since Pat passed away. The upshot was that it has been clear all along that yes, yes, indeed, God *does* have a plan for my life and that I need to "stop kicking against the goads." An ox goad was a long stick with a pointed piece on the end which, in the hands of a loving master, would steer the animal on the right path. If the animal rebelled by kicking out again the goad, it embedded into its flesh. The more rebellious kicking, the deeper the goad went. Looking for short cuts, trying to get off the path God has planned and find an easier way, or just stubbornly trying to not go down that road... it doesn't work and just causes pain.  How much better it is to plow where the Master has set you.

The next conversation involved talking with my daughter, Erin, about relationships. I've jokingly had a "list" of what I believed I need; I was reminded of back when Pat and I were raising our little ones. If they got whiny about something we wouldn't let them have or do, we would both start singing, "You can't always get what you want, No, you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need." (This usually brought about a bit more wailing). Anyhow, in talking with my daughter I told her that I have to not expect my strengths to be shared but to learn to appreciate whatever those strengths were. Instead of being frustrated by not having the same love language, at least on my part, I can try to understand and accept the different language being communicated to me. (God already allowed me to see how someone could speak my language too well and be manipulative and deceitful). She reminded me that the Bible said to lean not on our OWN understanding, but in all of our ways to acknowledge Him, and how important it is to know what God knows as fact about us. How much we are loved; how worthy we are to Him. Maybe the list of things I thought I "needed" were really only "wants" and what I actually need is very different. Time to stop leaning on my own understanding. 

The final conversation was with a recently widowed friend. We were discussing our shared condition and she told me that she saw me as so strong and inspiring. Looking at myself, I don't see that - I see an awful lot of flailing mixed with a great deal of treading water. I told her about one thing I've been learning over the course of the past three years is to let go of my attempt to work things out my way and "to just be held."  You have to envision this: many times I'm like a two-year who wants to do my own thing. I see what I think I need or want and I pursue it. The Lord says, "No," and scoops me up.  There I am, the wild toddler, kicking, screaming and writhing in the parent's arms as I get carted off to where I need to be. It would be all so much easier if I relinquished my pretense at control. I can imagine God smiling at me and singing, "You can't always get what you want..." as He's saving me from the fire, flood, or whatever imminent danger that I'm blinded or otherwise oblivious to.  Whenever Casting Crowns' "Just Be Held" comes on the radio, it brings a tear to my eyes.  Okay, oxymoron time but THIS is what I'm striving for: Striving to be still.  Working toward releasing my death grip on my Daddy's arm and chilling in the knowledge of His strength, His love, and His purpose for me.

"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held"

Ruby red slippers

While one may feel that grief is like falling down a rabbit hole, losing a spouse to me is more like being sucked up into a vortex and set down in some unknown land.  All you want to do is get back to where you belong - and of course, to find that out, an adventure of discovery ensues. Two and a half years after Pat died, I just discovered that I was wearing ruby red slippers and had the power all along to get myself to where I needed to go.