Bringing on our own storms...

We ask God for wisdom, we ask Him for direction and to guide our paths -- but do we always listen to that wisdom? I believe we often ask with an agenda, an agenda that we want that wisdom and guidance to lead to.  We want a straight path - a straight path right to what we want.

I'm so guilty of this right now.  I wanted something. I wanted change, I wanted escape. I believed that all my ducks were lining up in a row. I asked for wisdom and God sent several warnings. I chose to view those as obstacles to be overcome, not the clear warnings that they were. Like the centurion and boat owner who chose not to listen to Paul in Acts 27 when he warned them - after difficult headway, obvious bad weather, clearly bad sailing weather. They still chose to press on. Paul said, "Hey, it is going to be bad with loss of things of value!" and still they chose to press on. The writer of Acts tells us "We took such a violent battering from the storm that the next day they began to throw the cargo overboard.  Acts 27:18  Not listening caused loss and a great deal of it.

I was given signs - things that were not right, that didn't sit well with my soul. I was blinded by a different kind of hope. It had been over a year since my husband had died. I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to feel alive. I want to get away from the things that seemed to constantly burden me and I had high hopes of wintering in a safe harbor. There were warnings I did not heed and I fell for that gentle south wind that seemed to promise a safe trip. My disobedience has certainly caused a storm to kick up.  There has already been loss. I've thrown some things overboard that I didn't even realize I was throwing, things I hope that I can recover some day. There are things that had to be thrown that made me wake up and wake up hard.  I heard God loud and clear when those went over.  Now more loss will be required before I can run aground and find land/safety.

Now I must - once again - rely on God's unfailing mercy and grace.