Woe! Woe! What's to become of me? Well...

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I was having a conversation with a friend about the way things were "supposed to be" and now they aren't going to be that way at all. I was wallowing in the enormity of it, gearing up for another Eliza Doolittle bawling session, "What's to become of me? What's to become of me?" He reminded me to take one day at a time, that there were many things to see, many things to do, and that things will turn out alright. While it is hard to let go, I'm beginning to accept the concept that just because it isn't the future I planned, it doesn't mean there won't be good.

Proverbs 16:9 NLT says, "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps."
Proverbs 19:22 says, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."

These make it pretty clear - we can plan all we want, but God is going to determine the steps. His Word tells us that He plans good for us, but as Lewis said elsewhere, we don't doubt that but we do worry how painful that good will be. That is where I am - in the thick of the pain, reeling from how painful it has been and wondering how painful it is yet to be.  Of course, I don't like pain. I had a pretty comfortable path planned out and suddenly I'm facing the Unknown. For someone like me who likes the "i's" dotted and the "t's" crossed, I'm faced with an unfinished cursive sentence and since the pen is still traveling the i's and t's remain incomplete.

Scottish Poet Robert Burns was plowing up his field in the fall and plowed right through a nest that a poor mouse had made for the coming months of chill and lack. In one unexpected moment, man inadvertently had laid waste to the mouse's hope and security for winter.  You will recognize a famous line in this poem used to title a very popular novel:

Thou saw the fields laid bare an' waste, 

An' weary winter comin fast, 

An' cozie here, beneath the blast, 

Thou thought to dwell- 

Till crash! the cruel coulter past 

Out thro' thy cell. 

That wee bit heap o' leaves an' stibble, 

Has cost thee mony a weary nibble! 

Now thou's turn'd out, for a' thy trouble, 

But house or hald, 

To thole the winter's sleety dribble, 

An' cranreuch cauld! 

But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 

In proving foresight may be vain; 

The best-laid schemes o' mice an 'men 

Gang aft agley, 

An'lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, 

For promis'd joy! 

Still thou art blest, compar'd wi' me 

The present only toucheth thee: 

But, Och! I backward cast my e'e. 

On prospects drear! 

An' forward, tho' I canna see, 

I guess an' fear!

I can choose to look at the future differently than I am right now. Fear does not have to be my adjective of choice.  I must discard that if I truly believe God's promises. In Psalm 37 a portion has been turned into a song that I always sing, "Rejoice for the steps/of a righteous man/they are ordered of God, they are ordered of God/And in the time of trouble/He will sustain you/He will uphold you/He will lift you up/And in the time of trouble/God will carry you/So rejoice your steps are ordered of God." In Jeremiah 29:11, He tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Hope. Future. Both of these words are progressive, they are not words of stagnation. They are not words of wallowing. Like my friend said when we spoke, there might be time left for adventure, for doing interesting things, thinking about those is not a bad thing.

Am I sad? Heck, yes. Grief has physical effects that have hit me a hitherto unknown levels. Am I shaken? To the very core. I'm still in the midst of a raging storm BUT I do know the Guy with the power of that storm. My friend reminded me of Someone who suffered greater pain for my sake and how much more important than the material world that sacrifice is. The Author and Finisher of my faith has unwritten pages, the storyline wasn't mine to write and now it's perhaps a bit more of a cliffhanger than I imagined but...the pen is still writing, the page will turn...

The blessing of dog hair...

Today I am thankful for dog hair. The abundance of dog hair that I fight daily, the embarrassment I feel when it wins the battle, the stray pieces always accompanying me in spite of best efforts with lint rollers --- it is not a negative to me this morning. Today it reminds me that I have two very sensitive, very loving furry friends who share in my grief. They sense my vulnerability and they desperately want to show me they are right here, that we are in this together. They aren't judging me, they aren't criticizing me, they aren't pointing out all my faults, they aren't setting high expectations for my behavior. Instead they are tenderly and sweetly doing their best to show me there is strength in the pack, there is safety in the pack, there is love in the pack.

Right now I am covered in dog hair because I woke up crying. One dog was already stretched out against my side - on Pat's side - which helped me to sleep. The other dog, who had been on my feet moved up on top of me, paws on both of my shoulders, face in my face. They nuzzled me, kissed me, rolled on me, surrounded me with their genuine concern. I'm covered, coated, consumed by dog hair and, yes, I am very, very thankful.

"O Lord, You preserve both man and beast." Psalm 36:6

"A righteous man regards the life of his animal." Proverbs 12:10

Step here.

“Certainly we struggle as victims of other people’s unkindness. We have been sinned against. But we cannot excuse our sinful responses to others on the grounds of their mistreatment of us. We are responsible for what we do. We are both strugglers and sinners, victims and agents, people who hurt and people who harm.” ― Larry Crabb, Inside Out

This quote. I'm going through something - I have the hard, physical (digital) evidence in front of me that shows exactly what I'm dealing with, the twisting, the meanness, the graceless, merciless whole enchilada. It vindicates me, but it doesn't matter.  I cried a billion tears, as if I'm not in a state where I don't already have enough to cry about. And yet - this is the kind of quote that means something to me. We're all just raggamuffins fussing it out in a scarred and sinful land.

I discussed it with a therapist today, shared the gory details - intact so that my response, unaltered could be judged. Without going into details, I was told that for my own protection during an intensely painful time that I needed to exercise some "tough love" and not be responsive to it.  That I was allowing myself to be targeted, that I appeared to be a "servant" and why was I putting myself in that place.  I find it very hard to put myself in a different place because of the verses below.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  Matthew 5:43-44

"But to those of you who will listen, I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone takes your cloak, do not withhold your tunic as well..." Luke 6:27-28

So how do you "set boundaries" to protect yourself when you feel that it is your duty as a believer to not have boundaries? Is it being a doormat?

Time and tide stop for no man

Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead. Five days in the ground. One by one the days go marching forward relentlessly; the clock tick-tocking as if it didn't have a care. Things still need to be done. The pool turned green and I've tried numerous things to return it to normal - to no avail.
.
Mark Heard wrote:

Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon

We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows

Mark Heard also died an early death and also of a heart attack.

Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead.

Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead. Five days in the ground. One by one the days go marching forward relentlessly; the clock tick-tocking as if it didn't have a care. Things still need to be done. The pool turned green and I've tried numerous things to return it to normal - to no avail.
.
Mark Heard wrote:

Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon

We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows

He also died an early death.

No quarter asked, none given

No quarter asked, none given - this military term came into use meaning that the victor would not be merciful. Prisoners would not be taken, the victor guaranteed death as the only option.  So "no quarter" may also mean to refuse to enter into an agreement (relations) with an enemy attempting to surrender. The "quarter" seems to have originally come from the ransom of an officer, a quarter of his pay. 

No mercy. This is what it means. A fight to the death. No possibility of truce. The intention being to win and to annihilate the foe.  Such a contrast to a Christian walk, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy” (Matthew 5:7).

I found this at Discover the Word that explained the difference between mercy and grace. "Grace is a loving response to people who don’t deserve it, while mercy is a loving response prompted by the misery and helplessness of the person to whom it is shown."  The Bible spends a lot of time talking about God's grace towards us as in 1 Peter 4:10, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms."  And how we can minister it, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29

What do you do when you are on the receiving end in a situation where you find yourself under attack by an opponent who "takes no prisoners"? 

Reasons for...

~Reason for a meltdown: Filling out a paper and getting to the box "Emergency Contact Person." It was like - whoa! My emergency contact for decades is...gone.

~Reason to hesitate, choke back a tear: Entering places where he always held my hand as we approached the entrance and then held the door.

~Reason to be frustrated: My jar opener is not here. I will likely not be opening any jars.

~Reason to laugh: Why does my husband have so many weird bags in weird places filled with weird stuff? More than one "bug out" bag. Pouched tuna that expired in 2014. Clif bars that expired long before that. MY favorite water bottle that disappeared. Plus all the bug out essentials. Seems that (in many ways, I am discovering) my husband was just shy of being a Doomsday Prepper.

~Reason to be amazed: Why are there so many open jars of pickled things in my fridge??? I don't eat these.

~Reason to appreciate the innocence of children: Quinn says, "Hey, Grammy, this is your car now. Can I have that lantern in the back?"

~Reasons to hope:
My master's degree is done next month.
My new job starts next month. I've got lesson planning to do and a class of 6th graders that I can't wait to meet.
 I've got a change of workout scenery planned.
Two new babies, one hopefully in the next 24-48 hours.


Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning."