We had some wonderful rain last night so I went out to survey my accidental pumpkin patch this morning to see how it fared during the storm. While the majority of pumpkins are doing fine, I took sad notice that one of the newest fruits was dying. Not having a massive crop, it is a mournful thing to see a little one that didn't make it. I'm emotionally invested in this pumpkin patch, so I've developed a tendency to place high hope into each baby pumpkin that has begun.
Having dealt with the major loss of my husband, I've become aware of a couple of things. A huge loss can numb you to other losses or it can make you hypersensitive to smaller losses. Each failure, each expectation that fails to grow to maturity, each time there is some sort of ending, will be deeply noticed. Often your reaction will form echoing changes made to you by that greater loss. I've seen this in other people's lives; I see it in my own. My reaction could be something like, "Yep, another pumpkin died. I should've expected it. Nothing goes right. God hates me." or "Oh, no! One of my babies is rotten! What did I do wrong? Omigosh, now there are only 7 pumpkins. What if more die?" or even, "Why do I even care? I didn't plant these pumpkins; they are more trouble than they are worth. I don't need them!" None of those reactions suit me; I think I'm learning to adapt.
As I said above, I'm emotionally invested in my accidental pumpkin patch. Why? Because I see so much of myself in that patch growing from a rotted pumpkin swept out to the street-end of the driveway. It's "me" as I've found myself without my husband. The loss of Pat has been hard and still is - a hard fact it has taught me is that life goes on and I must go on. And so this patch reminds me that I can grow, I can bloom, and even produce fruit. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and he will establish your plans.' Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)
That fruit represents singular hopes to me -- ideas, plans... Now, as an adult, I know that not every idea will find its way to maturation. Not every hope is realistic; some are false. As my favorite Scottish bard famously said, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Looking out there over my pumpkin patch, I've got two big fat pumpkins who are doing fantastically. These remind me of the ideas/plans that I have that are built on solid skills/gifts that I know God has given me and I use. Nurture and care are still required, but I feel confident in their success. There are a couple newer ones, past what I consider the danger stage, that appear to be growing nicely. I've noticed that in all of these spacing is key. Too many fruits cluttered by one vine don't make it.
The albino pumpkins (two right now) are slower to grow but appear to be doing well. These are perhaps the odd-ball hopes and ideas of mine, things that I want to or need to develop. They are the possibilities that I hadn't considered but am taking a chance with and am pleasantly surprised at seeing progress. I can honestly say I've been surprised by bits and pieces of "me" that I wasn't aware of, abilities I didn't know I had and interests that I'm just beginning to explore and expand.
The baby pumpkins dying so young are ideas that came at the wrong time or those things I'm spread to thin to put enough effort or energy into. Perhaps they weren't the best for me or they are those things that I've put false hope into. Then there is the little pumpkin that got accidentally run over and smashed -- well, that was a plan or possibility that was "out on the limb." Either it was too far-fetched or I simply wasn't guarding it well. It's a good idea to be wary of putting yourself "out there" where you or yours could be in harm's way. "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3 That particular smashed pumpkin specifically reminds me of a big mistake I made that I have gleaned a great deal from, albeit painfully.
As I continue to watch this unexpected garden grow, I keep learning new things about it and about myself. Isaiah 58:11 energizes me, "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." I pray that God helps me put my energy into ideas that He blesses, to not invest my heart in false hopes, and to help me to accept small losses with dignity while directing my energies towards developing spiritual fruit and not selfish gain. "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9
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