Projecting, reflecting...

"Jesus, help me see you in everyone, even the people who challenge me. Light me up with your radiant love so that I may see you even in the most difficult of people. Every human being is made in your image. Help me to recognize you and love you in them."

"People aren't toxic. We are humans troubled, afraid, hurting, struggling, and although some of us use more harmful ways to cope than others we're not toxic." ~Iva

Romans 5:10 "For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!"

Labeling people as toxic (or labeling them as narcissists who must be avoided) is an awful lot like an excuse to not love them like Christ loved us. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 If we all look in the mirror honestly, we will see that we each exhibit the traits that it is so trendy to accuse others of. Ephesians 4:2 exhorts us to be completely humble and gentle, patient bearing with one another in love. The moment we use excuses to write people off, label them, and call ourselves "victim" is the moment we choose to be disobedient and non-followers of Jesus.

Think about this. Label the person as "narcissist" or "toxic" and you are judging them just as these memes or lists usually accuse these people of judgmental. Manipulative? You are guilty of trying to manipulate other people's views of them when you insist on diagnosing them as such and spreading it out there. Bullying? You are guilty of bullying them by labeling and manipulating opinions of them. Selfish? Likely you are selfishly deciding that they did not put your needs or feelings first and hey wait, isn't that also selfish? You claim they "need to be right" yet - is it your own need to be right that is so angry about the belief that their opinion is right? If you both agreed on something, wouldn't this be a moot point? They are surrounded by drama? Generally, it seems the drama is generated by the person who shares this beware of narcissists, etc, all over social media. That's pretty dramatic. The list can go on.

Look in the mirror. Then turn away from the mirror and look at Jesus - that's who you want to look like in the end, right? Follow His example.

We are all hopelessly messy, multidimensional and needing a Savior.

Toxic is as toxic does...

“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.” Steve Maraboli

There is a trend building for the last couple of years involving labeling people as narcissists.  There is a hypocritical fad for calling other people toxic. The funny thing is that the person doing the calling is often practicing what is called "neurotic projection." That is, they are seeing undesirable elements of themselves and reflecting them on to the person they are angry at. Call someone narcissist or toxic and include a list of what that entails - and...drum roll, you've just accused them of the very judgmentalism and conceit that you are proclaiming to stand against.

A great little piece I found on the topic:
http://bewellplace.com/stop-calling-people-toxic/

Bringing on our own storms...

We ask God for wisdom, we ask Him for direction and to guide our paths -- but do we always listen to that wisdom? I believe we often ask with an agenda, an agenda that we want that wisdom and guidance to lead to.  We want a straight path - a straight path right to what we want.

I'm so guilty of this right now.  I wanted something. I wanted change, I wanted escape. I believed that all my ducks were lining up in a row. I asked for wisdom and God sent several warnings. I chose to view those as obstacles to be overcome, not the clear warnings that they were. Like the centurion and boat owner who chose not to listen to Paul in Acts 27 when he warned them - after difficult headway, obvious bad weather, clearly bad sailing weather. They still chose to press on. Paul said, "Hey, it is going to be bad with loss of things of value!" and still they chose to press on. The writer of Acts tells us "We took such a violent battering from the storm that the next day they began to throw the cargo overboard.  Acts 27:18  Not listening caused loss and a great deal of it.

I was given signs - things that were not right, that didn't sit well with my soul. I was blinded by a different kind of hope. It had been over a year since my husband had died. I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to feel alive. I want to get away from the things that seemed to constantly burden me and I had high hopes of wintering in a safe harbor. There were warnings I did not heed and I fell for that gentle south wind that seemed to promise a safe trip. My disobedience has certainly caused a storm to kick up.  There has already been loss. I've thrown some things overboard that I didn't even realize I was throwing, things I hope that I can recover some day. There are things that had to be thrown that made me wake up and wake up hard.  I heard God loud and clear when those went over.  Now more loss will be required before I can run aground and find land/safety.

Now I must - once again - rely on God's unfailing mercy and grace.

The greatest of these is love...

1 Corinthians 13:13  So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I was talking to someone who was surprised that I was concerned for and praying for someone who had been and is being very cruel to me.  He pointed out the things that this person is doing that are very hurtful, the amount of time this has been going on, and that he couldn't understand why I even cared about their current pain. He said the person in question - professing to be a Christian - needs to be confronted with how wrong they are, how ungodly this behavior is. I'm in a position where I cannot do that - however, there is one thing that I can do. I can love. Because of that love, I can pray.  I reminded him that "While we were yet sinners Christ died for us." We are to emulate Him - and if that means praying and worrying over the pain of this one, then so I will.

Triggers

Triggers - a device that releases a spring or a catch and sets a mechanism off, such as the trigger on the gun. In the land of grief you find that there are some triggers you are aware of and others that  catch you off guard. I wandered into a veritable minefield when I chose to make a temporary move back to my home state. I'm playing Russian roulette with my heart, not knowing when I'm going to set off a cascade of tears.

Maybe during that first year the very act of "being" in the home we shared was comfort and made the reality of my loss less "real." I don't know how many times I remarked to one of the girls that I often felt that he was just "out in the yard" doing his chores and would be in the house in a minute. So many times I lay in our bed and looked over at his dresser and envisioned him standing there, just fiddling with his plethora of odds and ends like he did so many times. His presence was so very strong that I believe that part of me felt allowed to believe he was indeed "there."

Now I am 336 miles away and he is not here. Memories of him are, however.  I've been down back roads that he and I drove down 30+ years ago. I've been places that he longed to go - without him. In the midst of doing something truly enjoyable, like hiking the Appalachian Trail, I have felt the icy grip of reality clutch at my heart. I'm no longer in our bed, with his dog beside me, feeling the old indent he made in the mattress. That song comes on the radio and I'm mere miles from where "it all started with a beer."  I'm in the place we found each other, found the Lord, escaped our old lives, built something real.  His absence here is profound. The loss of him is palatable.

It is only now that his death has become painful real; my heart has lost the shroud of pretense. The veil has lifted and my soul cries out, "You're gone! You're gone! Come back..."

Missing my dogs...

When Pat died, Sasha and Charlie were my most stalwart companions. We grieved together. When I cried, they came to comfort me. When they were sad, I hugged and cheered them.  Why did I think that I could move 300 miles away and not miss them with every fiber of my being? Being away from them a week was hard but they survived with the boys to hug on them and love them. Now, so many changes are happening I know that they are on edge. They watched me move things out of my home. Charlie moped and cowered because he knew deep in his heart that something was not right.  Now that it has been 8 days away, instead of being easier, for me it has become harder and harder.  It is grief. I'm experiencing grief - but without the comfort that got me through Pat's death. With that grief, I'm having bad dreams. I'm tense, I'm on edge. I keep thinking about their pain, their anguish. Wondering where I am, why I haven't returned. Their little world turned upside down. I think of Charlie creeping into the boys' bed after they fall asleep (they want him in earlier but pester him too much). Poor Sasha, doesn't want to be in the bed. She lays on the floor.  Her heart was shattered when Pat died. I must be killing her with my absence. Praying that I can have them with me soon. Desperately hoping something will work out so that they can be with me. We belong together.

My Tookish spirit awakens and adventuring I go...

"Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!"  I just wanted to cling to as much of my old life as possible. To come home to my lonely house (and wish it wasn't so lonely), do the things I always did, and somehow to add the things I want into it. It would be perfectly okay for me  to work at the job I began after Pat's death - I loved my job even though I couldn't afford to live on the salary. Somehow, if life could go on that way, I would be worried about survival and yet strangely content.

And then, my Tookish spirit awoke. God moved and doors opened, connections were made, bringing with them a job in my field, in my home stomping grounds, near the man I love and my daughter/family.  My Tookish spirit cried, "Walk through those doors!" and as I crossed each threshold more and more of a new life was revealed to me.

No matter how promising it looks, it is hard for a hobbit at heart to come from the comfort of the home hearth and step out into the unknown. I had to slowly ease out of my comfort zone by doing things like driving 336 miles alone and back. That was something that had frightened me stopping at rest areas alone, oh my!) and now I've done it several times.  I also have been having to come to terms with the thought of leaving 3 of my daughters and 7 of my grandchildren behind. I plan on coming back on monthly visits and on all school breaks. (My head tells me that during the school year I've been so busy working two jobs that I didn't see them as often anyhow - my heart says, "Shut up!") Whatever the case, maybe the apron strings need to be cut and this will be healthier for us all. I can't live a shadow existence, working and waiting to be needed to babysit or needed for something.

So here I am - on the cusp of an adventure. There is no turning back. Once I set my face to the east, I'm committed for the whole school year. There is fear -- and there is excitement. There is hope and yes, some anxiety. Will this be good for me? What kind of changes might this make within me? Who will I be when all is said and done?