In peace, be still - a break from struggles - Part I, Recap

 Peace - it had long seemed like an elusive, ethereal thing. I tend to strive, to move ever forward, to struggle to arrive at some place, some goal...and I suppose to achieve peace. In stillness, I'm finding it and will hopefully learn how to operate in it.  

Prior to Pat's passing, we had been in a state of continual change and perpetual grief. One loved one after another passed away. Parents, siblings, nephews, friends, pets.  Pat's job of 20 years had done some restructuring and middle management had targets on their backs and eventually he was hit. Babies were being born. In the half dozen years leading up to Pat's death we were truly living out the sandwich generation, taking care of my dad while helping with grandchildren and still had our youngest in school. I had gone back to school and completed my bachelor's and master's degrees along with venturing back into the work force. 

We had just been settling into an empty nest, rediscovering our appreciation for one another and the joys of being "us" that stress had nearly beaten out of us. While we had always been 100% a team, joy had gotten buried by life's demands and the onslaught of woes. The ultimate tragedy hit when the eight day ordeal of Pat's heart attack and death hit.  I then found myself alone - alone to face the tumult. 

It didn't stop. Newly widowed, never having lived on my own, I was facing life without a partner. Before Pat passed, I had applied for and accepted a very low paying job at a Christian school to start my teaching career. It didn't matter how low the pay because we had his income and this would be to build for our retirement. It was a good place to begin my resident educator program and we both looked forward to my first classroom. That school and those wonderful students gave me something to live for and look forward to each day -- except for a workplace bully who targeted me and was intent on destroying me. I was living off of the life insurance and learning to navigate life on my own. It was difficult, very difficult but the Lord sustained me. 

From there, struggles and challenges abounded. Each year I aimed to find a position that would financially make ends meet. Fell headlong into a relationship with a narcissist and endured a painful extrication. In trying to avoid a repeat of the same (the love bombing, the faithlessness, the gaslighting, etc.), I found myself in a relationship with the first man I'd ever encountered who truly had a fear of commitment and an inability to give and receive love in a healthy way. He was the opposite of the other as far as verbal expression goes; no grand romantic gestures from him to be wary of.  Instead it was like being in an emotional desert, needing a sip of cool water but faced with parched soil on every side. Both of these men struggled with depression, and empath that I am, my impulse is to try to heal, try to save.  I learned - to my own pain - that unless someone wants to help themselves, there is no helping them.  

I think much of the pain I felt during these years was self-inflicted by my own inability to set boundaries and see my own value. I had to learn that it is okay to want healthy love and affirmation. And learn I did - and I don't regret the experiences I've had that have brought me to this place. After being a child who went from home directly to a 33 year marriage, I hadn't lived on my own, hadn't know what it was like to "be." This season became my school room where I learned to navigate my new solo journey through life. Funny thing happened - I discovered it's okay, it's not bad, and I don't hate being alone. I'd rather be by myself than be tied to a man who doesn't respect me or others. After all, I had a 33 year marriage to a man who loved me, a friend who understood teamwork and the sacrifices/rewards of the union, I don't need to settle for less. 

A friend once told me that it seemed to take most people 5 years to find a teaching job that "fit," where they felt valued, respected, and had most financial needs met.  The first four years following Pat's death, I certainly did experience that. I was in two great environments initially (the first  -minus the bully). One could not sustain me financially, even partially, and the second, I had to leave to get out of that bad relationship). After that, I had varying experiences to get where I am now. All the while, I loved the teaching part but I must say, there are shady charter schools and administrations out there. It is easy to see why teachers are leaving the field in droves. I have tales that could curl your hair but that is not for now.

Enter year 5 - in a truly miraculous, wild turn of events, I found myself hired and working at a school I'd wanted to work at since substitute teaching there years before. And I found home!  I had not known it could happen after all I'd been through, but I made it to a place with an administration that truly cares, a friendly and welcoming staff, an exciting teaching position, and a diverse body of students. I'm in my second year now...I've come along way now from constant yearly change, from fragile finances, and job insecurity.

While learning to handle life without a committed partner and landing the right job were major parts of the struggles, there were other things.  Family matters were huge.  We all had to navigate the loss of a very important person in our lives - and my children had children. Babies were born, children entered school, Leesi had cancer, marriages struggled, ended, renewed. Three of the grandchildren will never know him; he will always be just a character in our stories and that is so tragic a thought. We came together, we pulled apart, we came together again. The glue? We love each other fiercely.  When push comes to shove, we are there for each other.  There were so many tears, so much fear and tragedy - but there was also love and laughter.  

I found a post I wrote a while back in 2018.  I was going through an eased up time and wondering when the other shoe would drop - while struggling very hard NOT to be worrying about the whole shoe drop thing. My deconstruction experience fits in with this because at the time I was in a church that was tilting further and further into Calvinism - that theology holds with it no peace at all.  One might speak of eternal security, but it is one of the most insecure belief systems one could ever get sucked into.  I certainly didn't head into it voluntarily.  My church was hijacked and slowly steered into Reformed Theology . When we had initially joined, the denomination as a whole leaned toward Arminianism. In the midst of all I was going through, Christ was a solid rock but the church I attended seemed to be sinking sand.