“Certainly we struggle as victims of other people’s unkindness. We have been sinned against. But we cannot excuse our sinful responses to others on the grounds of their mistreatment of us. We are responsible for what we do. We are both strugglers and sinners, victims and agents, people who hurt and people who harm.” ― Larry Crabb, Inside Out
This quote. I'm going through something - I have the hard, physical (digital) evidence in front of me that shows exactly what I'm dealing with, the twisting, the meanness, the graceless, merciless whole enchilada. It vindicates me, but it doesn't matter. I cried a billion tears, as if I'm not in a state where I don't already have enough to cry about. And yet - this is the kind of quote that means something to me. We're all just raggamuffins fussing it out in a scarred and sinful land.
I discussed it with a therapist today, shared the gory details - intact so that my response, unaltered could be judged. Without going into details, I was told that for my own protection during an intensely painful time that I needed to exercise some "tough love" and not be responsive to it. That I was allowing myself to be targeted, that I appeared to be a "servant" and why was I putting myself in that place. I find it very hard to put myself in a different place because of the verses below.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:43-44
"But to those of you who will listen, I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone takes your cloak, do not withhold your tunic as well..." Luke 6:27-28
So how do you "set boundaries" to protect yourself when you feel that it is your duty as a believer to not have boundaries? Is it being a doormat?
Friday, July 22, 2016
Time and tide stop for no man
Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead. Five days in the ground. One by one the days go marching forward relentlessly; the clock tick-tocking as if it didn't have a care. Things still need to be done. The pool turned green and I've tried numerous things to return it to normal - to no avail.
.
Mark Heard wrote:
Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon
We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
Mark Heard also died an early death and also of a heart attack.
.
Mark Heard wrote:
Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon
We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
Mark Heard also died an early death and also of a heart attack.
Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead.
Seventeen days since I last heard his voice. Nine days dead. Five days in the ground. One by one the days go marching forward relentlessly; the clock tick-tocking as if it didn't have a care. Things still need to be done. The pool turned green and I've tried numerous things to return it to normal - to no avail.
.
Mark Heard wrote:
Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon
We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
He also died an early death.
.
Mark Heard wrote:
Time marches away like a lost platoon
We gracefully age as we feel the weight
Of loving too late and leaving too soon
We can laugh and we can cry
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
We can dance and we can sigh
And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows
He also died an early death.
No quarter asked, none given
No quarter asked, none given - this military term came into use meaning that the victor would not be merciful. Prisoners would not be taken, the victor guaranteed death as the only option. So "no quarter" may also mean to refuse to enter into an agreement (relations) with an enemy attempting to surrender. The "quarter" seems to have originally come from the ransom of an officer, a quarter of his pay.
No mercy. This is what it means. A fight to the death. No possibility of truce. The intention being to win and to annihilate the foe. Such a contrast to a Christian walk, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy” (Matthew 5:7).
I found this at Discover the Word that explained the difference between mercy and grace. "Grace is a loving response to people who don’t deserve it, while mercy is a loving response prompted by the misery and helplessness of the person to whom it is shown." The Bible spends a lot of time talking about God's grace towards us as in 1 Peter 4:10, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." And how we can minister it, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29
What do you do when you are on the receiving end in a situation where you find yourself under attack by an opponent who "takes no prisoners"?
No mercy. This is what it means. A fight to the death. No possibility of truce. The intention being to win and to annihilate the foe. Such a contrast to a Christian walk, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy” (Matthew 5:7).
I found this at Discover the Word that explained the difference between mercy and grace. "Grace is a loving response to people who don’t deserve it, while mercy is a loving response prompted by the misery and helplessness of the person to whom it is shown." The Bible spends a lot of time talking about God's grace towards us as in 1 Peter 4:10, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." And how we can minister it, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29
What do you do when you are on the receiving end in a situation where you find yourself under attack by an opponent who "takes no prisoners"?
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Reasons for...
~Reason for a meltdown: Filling out a paper and getting to the box "Emergency Contact Person." It was like - whoa! My emergency contact for decades is...gone.
~Reason to hesitate, choke back a tear: Entering places where he always held my hand as we approached the entrance and then held the door.
~Reason to be frustrated: My jar opener is not here. I will likely not be opening any jars.
~Reason to laugh: Why does my husband have so many weird bags in weird places filled with weird stuff? More than one "bug out" bag. Pouched tuna that expired in 2014. Clif bars that expired long before that. MY favorite water bottle that disappeared. Plus all the bug out essentials. Seems that (in many ways, I am discovering) my husband was just shy of being a Doomsday Prepper.
~Reason to be amazed: Why are there so many open jars of pickled things in my fridge??? I don't eat these.
~Reason to appreciate the innocence of children: Quinn says, "Hey, Grammy, this is your car now. Can I have that lantern in the back?"
~Reasons to hope:
My master's degree is done next month.
My new job starts next month. I've got lesson planning to do and a class of 6th graders that I can't wait to meet.
I've got a change of workout scenery planned.
Two new babies, one hopefully in the next 24-48 hours.
Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning."
~Reason to hesitate, choke back a tear: Entering places where he always held my hand as we approached the entrance and then held the door.
~Reason to be frustrated: My jar opener is not here. I will likely not be opening any jars.
~Reason to laugh: Why does my husband have so many weird bags in weird places filled with weird stuff? More than one "bug out" bag. Pouched tuna that expired in 2014. Clif bars that expired long before that. MY favorite water bottle that disappeared. Plus all the bug out essentials. Seems that (in many ways, I am discovering) my husband was just shy of being a Doomsday Prepper.
~Reason to be amazed: Why are there so many open jars of pickled things in my fridge??? I don't eat these.
~Reason to appreciate the innocence of children: Quinn says, "Hey, Grammy, this is your car now. Can I have that lantern in the back?"
~Reasons to hope:
My master's degree is done next month.
My new job starts next month. I've got lesson planning to do and a class of 6th graders that I can't wait to meet.
I've got a change of workout scenery planned.
Two new babies, one hopefully in the next 24-48 hours.
Psalm 30:5b "Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning."
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Posts from hell week Part VI
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C. S. Lewis
Rushed back to the hospital in the wee hours. This beauty greets us as we hover in these shadowlands. (link to sunrise)
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” ~ C.S. Lewis
In the wee hours, Pat went into cardiac arrhythmia, CPR was performed, the paddle was used four times. So far God blessed us with the ability to get here and be by his side and he is having another procedure right now. We wait. Whether he makes it or not is a crap shoot. We gathered around, we prayed, I sang to him. Whatever happens isn't out of God's control and He is more than able to keep us. If Pat goes to be with Jesus, that is his gain. To open his eyes in glory could not be anything but wonderful for Pat because he is a child of the King. If the Lord chooses that Pat somehow stays with us, He can get us through the rough seas and treacherous wilderness. I can see how much of His infinite mercy He has chosen to pour out over me - us - and it is palatable. We're swimming in grace, enveloped in love, and strengthened by that mighty Hand. If I didn't know it before, or thought I knew it and wasn't quite sold, I am now more than ever certain.
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
There is an eye that never sleeps
Beneath the wing of night;
There is an ear that never shuts
When sink the beams of light.
Beneath the wing of night;
There is an ear that never shuts
When sink the beams of light.
There is an arm that never tires
When human strength gives way;
There is a love that never fails
When earthly loves decay.
When human strength gives way;
There is a love that never fails
When earthly loves decay.
That eye is fixed on seraph throngs;
That arm upholds the sky;
That ear is filled with angel songs;
That love is throned on high.
That arm upholds the sky;
That ear is filled with angel songs;
That love is throned on high.
But there’s a power which man can wield
When mortal aid is vain,
That eye, that arm, that love to reach,
That listening ear to gain.
When mortal aid is vain,
That eye, that arm, that love to reach,
That listening ear to gain.
That power is prayer, which soars on high,
Through Jesus, to the throne,
And moves the hand which moves the world,
To bring salvation down.
Through Jesus, to the throne,
And moves the hand which moves the world,
To bring salvation down.
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” ~C. S. Lewis
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Update: Amazingly, I write this and Pat is still with us. When I tore out of the house at the 3am-ish hour of the morning to get to him after being resuscitated once again (CPR and paddle 4X), I thought I was driving to say a final good-bye. And yet, he is still here, hanging in that balance - in the limbo we are coming to know qutie well. One scary procedure and another "should've been fairly simple but wasn't" bloody ordeal, Pat is yet in the twilight of the land of the living. The girls & Ed all got there, Wendy, talked to him on speaker phone by his ear. We prayed over him, we prayed together. We got to be with each other and support each other through this really tough morning. Everyone got to spend some private moments with him. I read to him from Revelations and from The Last Battle, first time I have ever made it through the last chapter and didn't cry and make it unintelligible. We sat in conference with the head doctors, talked to others at his bedside. Beth& JoAnn came and gave us strength. He's stable and we had to come home and sleep. What the night or tomorrow will bring is unknown.
On the way home we saw this license plate: Deut 30:6. That reads "“Moreover the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live."
1 John 4:4 “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” ~ Williams Penn
"He whose head is in heaven need not fear to put his feet into the grave.” ~ Matthew Henry
“Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Farewell, my lover, my husband, my friend, father of our children, loving Poppy, king of our castle, man who could fix everything. You are in the arms of Jesus, but I'll miss you so very much. I love you.
Patrick 1961 -2016 (link to photos)
Patrick 1961 -2016 (link to photos)
I found this doodle of Pat as the big heart man and me the curly haired heart man in Patrick's pocket Bible. What a beautiful message to leave me. (After arriving home, devastated, I found the picture at the link sitting in his Bible, recently doodled).
Posts from hell week Part V
This place reminds Rhianna of Inception. To get to coffee, according to her, one must go from upper Inception down the spiral stair through lower Inception through the Tunnel of Light into the White Hall to the Atrium (guarded by plastic owls).
Surgery #??? complete: The next leg of the journey has begun. He is now on the VV (veno-veno) support so that his lungs can heal. Still deeply critical condition, still in the thick of the forest but the trees may have thinned just a bit.
Praise God the man next door is verbal now - expressing pain but loud & clear - so hope will spring for that family.
"Rejoice for the steps of the righteous man are ordered by God. In the time of trouble, He will sustain you, He will uphold you, He will lift you up. In the time of trouble, God will carry you, so rejoice your steps are ordered of God"
Taken from Psalm 37:23-24
Taken from Psalm 37:23-24
The morning of the end of a week of this and I feel as if I just spent some quality time in the ring with Laila Ali. Things are sore & hurt that surprise me; I even had a severe Charlie horse in the middle of the night and that has not happened since my last pregnancy. Yet while I feel beat up I also feel taut like a bow strung ready to be released. I would love to find a blog documenting someone else's ordeal with this. I think I'm going to have to do it so that somewhere down the road there will be a wife in my shoes who can Google and find something to relate to.
You are the Bread of Life oh Lord
Broken to set us free
So how could there be any hunger in me
If You are the Bread of Life
You are the Bread of Life
You've overcome the world oh Lord
And given us victory
So how could I fear when trouble is near
If You've overcome the world
You've overcome the world
Wipe every tear away oh Lord
And teach us the song of the Lamb
The promise is true but it's still up to You
To wipe every tear away
Wipe every tear away
Wipe every tear away
These tubes are actually made of clear material. The red coursing through is Pat's blood on the veno to veno Ecmo. (Picture of ecmo, click link)
I had a crisis of hope this afternoon after asking some very scary questions and getting the dark, fearsome answers. Still in the realm of "what if" rather than "this is." Anyhow, Karen shared this with me and it was exactly what I needed:
"While it looks like things are out of control, behind the scenes there is a God who hasn't surrendered His authority." A.W. Tozer
"While it looks like things are out of control, behind the scenes there is a God who hasn't surrendered His authority." A.W. Tozer
Pat is making slow progress but there are also some realities. If he doesn't make better progress, within days the intubation has to be removed from his mouth and he has to be given a tracheotomy. He has been intubated since July 5th & that throat tube can cause lots of damage. His poor tongue is so cut up & swollen. This is also tricky because there would be a flash of time when one was out and nothing was in. Also, if things don't get much better then conversations will have to begin to happen about the "what if" he is still requiring all this support by the two week mark. He had the first Ecmo surgery on July 6 (I had to look back at posts because I know longer no the day, the time, the week. Time is a blur). The initial stats said 50/50 survival; I had thought we had moved to 60/40, but apparently we are still pretty close to 50/50.
Today he did at least turn his head toward Jenna and me when we were speaking to him about all the grandchildren and how much they want to see him. Since the doctors don't want him moving around at all now & want the lungs to be completely on machine, they gave him a paralytic after this to keep him still. He's getting blood transfusions. He's just a guy who is seriously sick whose body is being run by machines. Basically, he's a cyborg at the moment and that is a very, very painful thing to see.
But, as Karen's quote said, God hasn't surrendered control. If He so wills it, those stats could change to 60/40, 70/30, all the way up to healing and home. It is in His hands and in His authority. I pray that we have a showering of grace and strength to bow to that authority regardless. Please keep praying. Thank you.
Psalms 33:20-22 Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.
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