Friday, October 7, 2016

And truly, this is limbo...

When your spouse dies, people tell you many things  - not just about grief - but about finding yourself, about how this can be a time of discovery, about an adjustment period.  In other words, a time of limbo, where you are neither here nor there. You can't live your old life, it is over. You are supposed to be acclimating yourself to singleness and making a new life after you find out all this stuff about yourself that has been exposed by grief and by suddenly being thrust into the realm of Being Alone.

I already know things about myself that I know won't change. Since I was a small child, I knew I wanted to be a wife, a part of a team. I'm not aching to embrace being the Independent Widow who lives a life of singleness, dedicated to other pursuits. In fact, I'm pretty resistant to that idea. Over the yearns, I learned very well that you can be part of a team and still driven, dedicated -- just with the bonus of a support system. That is something I want to have again - hopefully, for the remainder of my days. Some people do very well with aloneness, with this "I can make all my decisions, be empowered, etc." Not me. I like taking care of someone and I like being taking care of. I like the mutual give and take. Being told I'm beautiful, telling my love he is strong. I know these things about myself and I don't forsee them changing, even in this horrible place of stagnation.

People will tell you - you have your kids, your family.  When kids have kids, their time is consumed. You don't want to be a burden. You also don't want to be the proverbial fifth wheel. You simply have to find your own circle or circles to move in. Now, while I love my dogs, coming home to just them is a blessing. However, I do know deep in my heart that my desire is for human companionship and I can't be in limbo forever.  I know that He heals. I know that mourning should not last forever. Although you will always grieve and miss the loss of the loved one, that peace of knowing Who they are with *is* very comforting.  Should you then mourn and stay in a place of limbo forever? Is there some time limit that other people are stipulating?

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
"Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

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